Topics: Petroleum, Homelessness, Perspiration Pages: 7 (1168 words) Published: February 9, 2014

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My friends satire essay for AP English. This is literally one of the funniest thing I have ever read.







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Cars are a fantastic invention. They make our first-world lives even more carefree by

getting us from place to place quickly while eradicating the need for legs altogether. Instead of

walking that two blocks to spend seventeen dollars at KFC, why not drive there? You get there

faster and can start eating sooner; it is a lot easier to shove those Double Down sandwiches down

your throat behind the wheel of your Suburban than while hobbling down the sidewalk. There is

no doubt that the benefits of driving from place to place are exponentially great. However, all

that driving takes an awful lot of fuel, and everyone knows that fuel for cars isn’t the most

plentiful (or cheapest!) of resources.

The gasoline that keeps your vehicle running smoothly is supplied from petroleum, also

known as crude oil that is pumped out of the ground. This crude oil, in turn, is created by the

transformation of long-dead plant and marine animal fossils. These fossils are under immense

pressure and heat for hundreds of thousands of years, and the result is a dark and waxy substance

known as kerogen. These kerogen molecules then eventually break down into petroleum or

natural gas and are pumped into your gas tank. That’s right: you are cruising around town with

no aim or purpose, and your car is running off of a limited supply of dead fish souls. An

expensive limited supply of dead fish souls.

Flip the script. Remember that guy you stepped over on your way into the office this

morning? Remember the faint smell of urine that lightly brushed over your nostrils as you

carefully avoided disturbing his peaceful slumber, as to avoid his aimless requests for spare

change? That man is part of an incredibly high population of homeless citizens in America; the

amount of homeless is roughly estimated to be between 2.3 million and 3.5 million people.

That’s approximately 1 in 10 people living without a home. That’s approximately 1 in 10 people

living on the streets every night with no job, no car, and no responsibilities. If only there was a

way to supply the population with a cheaper, more plentiful alternative to gasoline that is so

desperately needed. If only there was a way to give those millions of homeless Americans a job

and a place to stay. If only we had camps that housed the homeless in return for nothing but

physical labor. Wait, what?

Homeless people are rich in natural oils. The absence of showers ensures that the street

dwellers will not be ridding themselves of their daily, natural human secretions that the rest of us

rinse off every night and day. What plagues teenagers with acne can power the cars and trucks of

tomorrow if we could just harvest these oils the homeless are practically bathing in. How do we

reach these oils? When we shower the precious secretions are mixed into a useless batch

containing water and soap, and that is no good for cars. It looks like this idea for the future is

unrealistic after all….

Human’s pores are cleansed through a very basic, natural process that everyone goes

through: sweating. The bloodstream carries excess heat in the body towards the surface of the

skin, which triggers the sweat glands. These glands then produce sweat – a combination of

water, salt, and amino...
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